During a church worship service, I was inspired to write. When it was over, these words spilled over the page and continued on for the next hour, or so. This is my {revised} version of the inklings:
[In confusion, yet feeling a small peace, I wander down the path towards the truth, whatever that may be. I sift and shuffle through the facts. The earth is here, the skies are blue, humans {inevitably} do "wrong", and we all need something "spiritual" to fulfill ourselves. I'm going to try and dissect my thoughts by topic. Maybe it will make more sense that way. I'm not saying that I know these things to be true, or even that I thoroughly believe they are. These are just my ideas to help me try and make sense of life.
Religious Experiences - These moments typically consist of heart-felt music, prayer {to "God"}, and wet eyes. Christians {tend to} gauge how {close they are to God} based on how often these instances occur. Typically in "dead" churches, these events occur less often, {if at all}. You may {argue} that these churches consist of bad Christians, unfaithful to God or lacking faith, period. However, if you visit a "dead" church, you yourself, the good Christian you are, will also feel "dead" and the religious inspiration that is usually so present {is very absent}. Atmosphere has {an impact on} this. Think back to a time where you listened to a song, {maybe secular, maybe religious}, and felt {overwhelmed by emotions to the point of becoming teary eyed}. Does "My Heart Will Go On" from the Titanic ring a bell? Christian music is created and purposed to play with your heart strings {and, hopefully, causing you to feel as if you had a moment with God himself}.
God - We all desire something, one thing that no one {really} knows what it is. We want to know how we got here and why we live. We want to be reassured that our life has purpose and meaning Ever seen The Invention of Lying? Ever heard theories that God is a made-up man in the sky? He makes life make sense for us. "He created us, gave us all an unknown purpose, and whatever it is, it gives him praise, or in other words, it gives us a reason to live, which is the 'why' to why we are here." The rules "he made" to keep us happy and protect us are {merely a human's use of logic and reasoning} to create, or try to create, a more orderly world.
Cannibals - They have a "god" that {once told them to eat each other}. Do you think perhaps that they started eating each other first and then created a "god" to help justify their actions? Food for thought.
Adam and Eve - The beginning of the Bible has many holes. There is an entire Earth waiting for them, but it is {supposedly} awful and the garden in which they live is perfect. Therefore, they never leave, {by choice}. Adam and Eve have two kids...both male...(how does this help to populate the Earth?) One kills the other, now theres only three people on Earth. But wait! What's this?! Cane leaves his family and marries another girl??? Where did she come from? Was she his sister? Ew...incest. Or maybe another bellybuttonless human? Nope. She was from the land of giants, a breed of human-demons. WTF. I really need to read more of the Bible because I have a feeling that this is not the only place that doesn't make any sense. And the fact that this book is regarded as an important historical document {insults the reputation of all historians}.
I've had dreams before where I was a child in the dream and the world was very realistic, even when I awoke. Sometimes I've wondered if these instances were real, if they actually occured in my life, {and via a dream, I was remembering them}. I've added some of them to my list of "memories". My mom has told me she doesn't remember some of them happening. I don't care though. To me, they did happen. With this said, I don't think the entire Bible {came into existence by these means}. Many accounts are basically journal entries written by followers of {the Christian faith} that believed so strongly, they may have added "memories" to their list of life happenings {because, based on what they believed, those "memories" made sense}.
Satan - We all search, wonder, question, and desire the truth. For some, it's a daily struggle. As a Christian, one battles the Devil, who feeds one lies, telling them that God isn't real, or that he doesn't love them, or that maybe this thing isn't really all it's cracked up to be. The Devil is called reason. Human intellect. And don't call me a Devil Worshipper. He doesn't exist.]
The irony in this being written is the setting: I was at church; sitting with my family; with my dad nodding and quietly "Amen"-ing in agreement to what the pastor said; with the sound of overwhelming music swarming through my head; surrounded by people so inspired by one man's empty words. Every now and then I would chuckle to myself and think, "If they only knew..." But they had no clue. They still have no clue. Where I live, Atheism is not embraced as individuality or the right to one's own thoughts. I live in the south, in a small town where Southern Baptists rule the religious scene. I am a minority everywhere, but here, even more so. So the internet will be my sanctuary until I feel it is safe to come out of hiding. When I am more secure in my new identity, then the truth can be revealed. Until then I wait...
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